


Cardigan

by boredlady24



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Indian James Potter, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, POV Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin & James Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sad, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Song: cardigan (Taylor Swift), Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-19 01:22:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29867013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boredlady24/pseuds/boredlady24
Summary: Wolfstar throughout the years, told through the lyrics of Taylor Swifts cardigan. I love this song, it just reminds me so much of Remus Lupin.I’d also like to add that i do not support JKR and her views. Trans people are valid and if you agree with her then leave. This is a safe space for everyone, other than transphobic TERFs.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 3





	Cardigan

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> Thank you for reading I hope you enjoy. this is the first ever fic I've written, I love Taylor's music and wanted to write something marauders/wolfstary with one of her songs and I thought cardigan would be the perfect fit. It isn't in chronological order (each section correlates with the lyric above it) which might make it confusing, so I've added dates at the beginning of them. 
> 
> No warnings other than a bit of internalized homophobia and swearing.

_Vintage tee, brand new phone_

_High heels on cobblestones_

_When you are young, they assume you know nothing_

**1st September 1975**

“James, you wanker! Give it back!” James pulled out a handful of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans from the box Sirius had just gotten out of his bag.

“I will, you drama queen.” James answered laughing. Remus had missed messing around with his friends after a summer of loneliness. He loved his parents but they weren’t exactly fun people. Sirius was looking happier than ever, he had run away from home that summer and was now living at the Potters. Life was good for the marauders. 

The door to their compartment opened to reveal Lily Evans, a girl in their year, “Remus there you are, you need to come to the prefect carriage.” she said.

“Prefect?” Peter asked. 

“Merlin Remus, they made you a prefect? This is fantastic!” Sirius shouted.

“Lets see the badge Mr. Prefect!” James cheered, mouth full of Bertie Botts. Lily made a disgusted face. 

“Hurry up Remus, we can't be late for the meeting.” she demanded. 

“Evans please let him stay for a bit longer, we haven't finished making fun of him.” Sirius insisted.

“Alright I'm leaving. I'll see you guys later.” Remus said standing up to go. 

“Have fun Mr. Prefect!” 

“Remember to give Slytherins detention!” 

“Bye Remus!” 

He walked out the carriage, Lily behind him. As soon as the door was shut she said: “they are insufferable, how do you deal with them?” 

_Sequin smile, black lipstick_

_Sensual politics_

_When you are young, they assume you know nothing_

**June 1976**

Half of Remus wanted to punch him. He wanted to punch Sirius’ perfect nose off of his perfect face. He wanted him to feel half the amount of pain he felt. He wanted him to know what he could have done, to think before he does things. Sirius never thinks. Impulsive bastard. He could've made Remus a murderer. He could’ve been expelled. He could've hurt another student. 

Thank fuck for James.

Remus didn't think it would be possible for him to ever fully trust Sirius again, after they had spent years upon years becoming animagi for him he thought he would never take advantage of him like this. Maybe Sirius didn’t even want to become an animagus to help, maybe the only reason he did was because he thought it would be a big challenge. Something fun to do. Something exciting. This made Remus’ blood boil. Sirius would never know what it was like to be so terrified of the truth coming out, Sirius would never understand how much Remus suffered every month. He would never wish for someone to have to deal with what he’s dealt with but after this Remus wanted nothing more than for Sirius to be forced to turn into a werewolf, only for one moon, so he could understand what he did.

Remus definitely did not miss Sirius. He didn’t miss his jokes or his smile or his laughter. Or their ‘alone time’. 

The weirdest part about everything was that Sirius wasn’t begging for forgiveness like he usually did. Remus knew him and James had had a massive argument - which didn’t end in Sirius angrily slamming the door for once - but it was only a matter of time until James forgave him and left Remus for him. Peter would follow, obviously. And he would be left alone. 

_But I knew you_

_Dancin' in your Levi's_

_Drunk under a streetlight, I_

**4th November 1977**

“It's been a long night, we better go up.”

“Aww Moony don't you wanna stay for the sunrise? I'm sure Minnie wouldn't mind if we missed breakfast.”

“And what do you propose we do for the next four hours until then?”

“Something fun. I don’t fucking know.” 

“Then I say we should go to bed. You can’t even stand up properly, there’s no way you can stay awake that long.” 

“It’s MY birthday though, Moony. Please let us have fun for once.” 

“Okay that's it. I'm bored of you arses fighting like my parents. Let's go. Come on hun, get up thats it.” Lily spoke up, rattling James awake. They had now been friends since they were made headboy and girl back in September, the other three marauders had bets on when they would finally get together. She was already calling him hun, so it couldn't be long now. 

“Just leave me here, Lil. I don't think I can make it up the stairs.” James responded. He was giving Sirius competition in the dramatics department.

“Where's Pete?” Remus asked. 

“Here.” came a voice from under a table. “Help me out would you?”

“How did you- you know what? I don't care. Come on everyone, move it.” Lily was starting to use her head girl voice. 

After more drunk and tired chattering, the five of them finally made their way up the staircase to the dorm. Marlene, Dorcas and Mary had been partying with them at the beginning of the night but had chosen to head up around an hour before. Wise women. 

They stumbled around until they reached their dorm. Once there, Remus and Sirius climbed into Sirius' bed. It felt so good to sleep in the same bed without worrying what James and Pete would think. 

“Goodnight Moony. Thank you for the best birthday ever.” Sirius said with a tired, drunk smile. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Pads. Sleep tight.” as Remus wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's waist, he knew he would look back on this memory as one of his favorites. 

_I knew you_

_Hand under my sweatshirt_

_Baby, kiss it better, I_

**July 1977**

They had kept everything a secret for over a year and had been officially together for less than a month, but it was bound to be found out soon enough. Remus just wasn’t expecting it to be Lily Evans to be the first to know. 

“Alright lovebirds, time to stop snogging and go to bed. Remus? SIRIUS? WHAT THE-“

“Evans? Umm- this isn’t what it looks like-“ Sirius scrambled for words to explain why they were sitting in a broom cupboard together in very compromising positions. 

“You two? Really? Honestly I expected better from you, Remus. You have shit taste in men.” 

“Please don’t tell James, we really aren't ready for him to know yet.” Remus pleaded. He wasn't too worried about her reaction to him kissing a bloke, he had told her he liked men on one of their prefect duties that year when she had told him everything about her unbearable sister. Exchanging trauma and all that.

“When have I willingly spoken to Potter in the past six years? Wait- am I the first person who knows about this?” she asked. 

“There's a slight possibility, Evans. Now fuck off and let us snog in peace.” Sirius responded. 

“Alright then. Use protection, I guess.” she said, turning to leave. 

“Lily? Please don't tell anyone.” 

“I won't, Remus. I promise.” she smiled genuinely and left them. 

“I don't blame Prongs for being in love with her, she's hot when she's angry.” Sirius commented. 

“Shut up and kiss me, you tosser.” 

_And when I felt like I was an old cardigan_

_Under someone's bed_

_You put me on and said I was your favourite_

**December 1975**

It was a cold December night, they had been on their way back from setting up the pre-Christmas holidays prank in the great hall. They couldn't all fit under James' invisibility cloak so just Remus and Sirius went. One second they had been whispering excitedly, just like friends might, the next Sirius had him pressed against the wall questioning everything he'd ever thought. He was being kissed. He was being kissed by Sirius Black. Remus Lupin was being kissed by Sirius Black. Jesus fucking Christ. What was he going to do? How would they go on from here? 

Why did he like it? 

This couldn't be real. Surely someone like Sirius couldn’t be like him. Even if he was, he would never fall for Remus. This had to be a dream. An extremely realistic dream. A dream that would be over at any moment. 

“Uhh- I- I um. I have to go.” Sirius blurted out before dashing out the corridor without the cloak. Remus had no idea where he was going, or if what had just happened was real. 

_A friend to all is a friend to none_

_Chase two girls, lose the one_

_When you are young, they assume you know nothin'_

**February 1976**

It was the week of Valentine's day, there were big pink hearts everywhere, nearly all the corridors were littered with lovestruck teens sucking on each other's faces. Remus anticipated that he would be seeing Sirius kissing other people but he didn't expect it to hurt as much as it did. Sirius was currently sitting on the squishy sofa in front of the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room with his tongues down Mary McDonald’s throat, a girl in their year who was friends with Lily, Marlene and Dorcas. He couldn't blame Sirius for wanting to kiss her, she was very beautiful with her gorgeous dark skin and big brown eyes. 

That didn't stop him imagining himself in her place though. 

Dorcas and Marlene seemed to be quite fed up with their extreme display of affection as well, and Remus was done listening to James rattle on to Peter about how he wished Lily would accept his invitation for a date to the Valentine’s Day Hogsmeade weekend. So he excused himself and made his way to where the girls were sitting. 

“Hiya Remus, you having a good time listening to James try and kidnap our friend?” Marlene asked him dryly.

“A splendid time, that's why I came over to sit with you two. One should never have too much fun.” He responded. 

“Remus! You're good at arithmancy, right? Could you help me with this question?” Dorcas asked. 

“I’m not, but I'm sure I could give it a go.”

“Here,” she passed him the work, “Remus? Are you going to the Valentine’s Day Hogsmeade weekend with anyone this Saturday?” She asked him, with a hopeful look on her face. 

“Oh- uhh. I was just going to do the transfiguration homework that day. I’m not one for romance to be honest.” Remus felt slightly bad when Dorcas’ face fell. He was hoping that was a good enough excuse. It's not that he didn't like Dorcas, he just wasn't up for watching or doing couple-y things. It reminded him too much of what happened with Sirius just before christmas.

“Good, I wouldn’t want to be left alone. Dorcas why don’t you come with me? As friends of course.” Marlene said, she seemed almost happy Remus had declined. 

“Alright. You'd be way more fun than any boy would anyway. No offence Remus.” Dorcas was smiling her usual bright smile now. 

“Non taken. And I think you forgot the three, that's why it's wrong.” he handed her work back.

“Oh right, thank you.” 

_But I knew you_

_Playing hide-and-seek and_

_Giving me your weekends, I_

**April 1976**

It had been four months since the incident before christmas, and Sirius was still pretending nothing happened. He would still talk to him, he would still joke with him, but the quick intimate touches that used to cause Remus so much stress had vanished. He didn't quite miss the panic that used to settle in his veins, or staring at his ceiling in the middle of the night wondering why he felt like this, it was more that he missed the feeling of being wanted. Remus sometimes found himself wondering if he had imagined the kiss. 

Maybe some sick part of his mind had dreamt it up to deal with the horrible fact that he might just be in love with his best friend. 

As the days dragged on without mention of what happened, Remus was almost sure that kiss had been an intricate fantasy. The absence of the old closeness from Sirius was the only thing that kept his hope up. If he was being honest he wished for Sirius to pin him up against wall and snog his brains out again, even if he would continue to ignore it ever happened. At least then he would know it was real.

One night when Sirius came and asked him to come to the Library with him, his wishes came true. Sirius led him down the wrong corridor and then into a broom cupboard. 

“Sirius, this isn't the way to-” he was cut off by smooth lips pressing against his own. 

“I know.” His voice sounded almost as hungry as Remus felt. They continued kissing for what felt like both an eternity and no time at all. As soon as they had done, Sirius immediately left. 

Encounters like this carried on throughout the next few weeks. Sirius would make up an excuse for them to be alone, they would kiss, sometimes more, and then Sirius would abruptly leave. It was both heaven and hell for Remus. He knew he was being used, he knew Sirius only saw this as some fun. 

He had never felt so needed yet unwanted at the same time. 

It had become difficult to be in the same room as him when others were around, to the point where they hardly talked anymore. It had gotten so bad that James and Peter had started noticing. They thought there had been a petty fight, Remus overheard them talking about it. “I'm sure it'll be over soon.” James had said. 

The worst part, the part that kept Remus up at night with guilt, was that he didn't mind hardly talking to his favourite person in the world, as long as he still got to have the absolute high that was their time alone together.

_I knew you_

_Your heartbeat on the High Line_

_Once in 20 lifetimes, I_

**Mid 1981**

“I'm staying at James’ tonight.” he said, almost too calmly.

“You don't have to-” 

“I’M STAYING AT JAMES’.” Sirius slammed the door and stomped out, leaving Remus standing in the kitchen of their shitty London flat. Or maybe it was his shitty London flat now.

_And when I felt like I was an old cardigan_

_Under someone's bed_

_You put me on and said I was your favourite_

**June 1977**

They had said it before. They said it, and they meant it. But that had always had a platonic ring to it, the same way Remus would have meant it if he were to say it to Lily or to James. But after everything, this was different. The word just held so much more weight than it had before. It had a mist surrounding it, he knew once it was spoken that mist would disappear. But who knew what was behind it? Remus had always been scared of the unknown. He wondered if Sirius was also this scared of saying it. Merlin knows he never heard it as a child, did that make it harder for him to say? Or would it make him want to say it more? Did Sirius even think of them as a couple? He was overthinking this. He just had to say it. 

“Sirius?” he asked. 

“Yeah, Moony?” Sirius said, not looking up from the Marauders map, which he had been watching with a vaguely bored expression on his face. They were alone in the dorms, a race occurrence as James and Sirius tended to never leave each other alone, but James currently had a detention and Pete was at chess club. 

“Would it be okay if I told you I love you?” Sirius looked up now. A noise that sounded somewhat like choking came from his mouth.

“Are you laughing?” Remus might be panicking. Slightly. 

“No! Ok yes,” he took a breath then continued: “it's just, I don't know? Why would it ever be not okay to say that? I mean me and James say it all the time, right? How is it any different?”

“Because we’re- well we’re… you know…”

“Together?” he supplied.

“Yes.” Was that the first time either of them had acknowledged their relationship as something more than friends?

“Remus?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah?” 

“I love you.” Remus felt like he might melt into a puddle, right there in my middle of the dorm. Sirius got up and kissed him. 

_To kiss in cars and downtown bars_

_Was all we needed_

**December 1977**

All the marauders had put their names down to stay for christmas at Hogwarts, as had the girls. They wanted their last Christmas as students to be spent together. Plus most the other students had opted to go home so they would get Gryffindor Tower mostly to themselves. It would be heaven. 

Once the day everyone left had finally arrived Sirius insisted they have a party, even though there would only be eight people attending. Mary had her older brother owl some muggle alcohol and Sirius’ record player was turned all the way up.

The night started out with music and dancing, but calmed down after a while and they sat in a circle together. 

“Okay, we should play a game.” Mary suggested.

“What game?” Peter asked. 

“There’s this muggle game Never Have I Ever. You go round the circle and say: ‘never have I ever done blank’ and if you have, you drink. It's great, everyone always ends up lashed.” Lily suggested.

“Sounds good, i'm in.” Sirius said, followed by a few noises of agreement.

“I'll go first. Never have I ever kissed someone in this room.” Marlene asked, taking a drink straight after she said it. So did Sirius and Dorcas. Remus followed them reluctantly.

“Wow Remus, I didn't know you were such a ladies man. Who have you kissed?” Mary said sarcastically. Lily snorted loudly.

“You know who.” he said, winking at Sirius. It felt good to be able to talk about him and Sirius casually now that no one else was here.

“My turn! Never have I ever been in love with someone who didn't love me back.” Sirius shouted, looking straight at James. Everyone laughed.

“That's just cruel,” James complained, taking a drink. Lily looked a mixture of mortified and amused. “You know what? It's my turn now. Never have I ever been kicked out.” 

“James you twat! My one wasn't that obvious!” Sirius through a couch cushion at his friend. They then jumped on eachother and started wrestling. 

“Uhhh okay… anyway. Never have I ever cheated on a test.” Dorcas said. They all drank. 

“Wow Lily, that's not very prefect of you.” Sirius said, he and James had finished trying to kill each other now. 

“I'm not the only prefect here!” she retorted. 

“We all know Remus is the mastermind behind all our pranks.”

Once christmas finally arrived a few days later Remus was woken up by Padfoot licking his face and barking like mad. He clambered out of bed and got dressed whilst Sirius rudely woke James and Peter. Once everyone was ready for breakfast they went down the common room, the girls were already there. 

“Morning, did any of you hear a dog barking this morning or am I going crazy?” Marlene said, yawning. James and Sirius looked at one another and burst out laughing, causing four extremely confused looks. 

“If we leave now they might not notice we're gone, hurry!” Lily said, rushing towards the portrait hole. They all followed and made their way down to breakfast. The great hall was decorated extravagantly, there was only one table for everyone to share. Dumbledore smiled and said, “hello! Looks like everyone is here now. Dig in!” He was wearing sparkly red and green robes with tiny Christmas trees. The seventh years sat down to eat their food.

Once breakfast was over they all went outside to have a walk through the snow, Hogwarts looked beautiful during christmas. But the peace couldn't last forever.

“JAMES YOU FUCKING BASTARD.” James had put a ball of snow down the back of Lily’s coat. Bad idea. A snowball fight broke out, boys vs girls. Remus did not want anything to do with this.

“DORCAS, PASS ME ANOTHER!” Mary screamed. James had the best aim, he was a chaser, but Mary was pretty good too. Sirius and Marlene had given up with the snow and started wrestling. Lily and James were only focused on each other, and Remus was hidden behind a bush with Peter. Mary and Dorcas were carefully aiming at Sirius, trying not to hit Marlene. It was complete chaos. Fun chaos. 

“REMUS JOSEPH LUPIN YOU BETTER START HELPING, YOU TOO PETE.” 

“That's not my middle name, Sirius. And I didn't consent to having snow thrown at me.” 

_You drew stars around my scars_

_But now I'm bleedin'_

**Mid 1981**

Remus knew Sirius. He knew his bad side, his limitations, his noncommitment. He knew Sirius tended to pick up something he liked, he'd play with it for a while until he eventually lost interest. He slammed doors, he was dramatic, he picked fights with people when he was bored. He knew all this. He knew it could never work out. He knew it was flawed. But highs with Sirius were so high you couldn't see the lows. Yes, Sirius would lose interest quickly. He was overly impulsive and irrationally brave. But he was also the most loyal person on the face of the earth. He would do anything for the people he loved, no question. Sirius wasn't someone you'd only meet once in a lifetime, he was once in twenty lifetimes. 

He knew who Sirius was inside and out, for better or for worse, the good and the bad, the amazing parts of him but the dreadful ones too. He knew Sirius so well that he knew what he could give and what he needed were not one in the same. But at the same time that doesn't mean that he doesn't also love it for what it was, the feeling of closeness he gave him and being the one who was chosen, the way he felt when it was good. He loved the good times. The times when they would make fun of James infatuation with Lily, or right after Harry was born.

He even loved the times when they would act at all couple-y in the Hogwarts corridors, though Remus knew Sirius was only doing so to hopefully be caught by his brother or cousins, who would then tell his parents. 

Remus often felt like he was just something Sirius used to anger people, to evoke a reaction. Sirius loved getting in augments, he loved having the last word and storming out. Remus sometimes wondered if Sirius even loved him or if he was just the perfect cherry on top of his act of rebellion towards his family. What would be a better way to piss them off than to fall in love with a halfblood werewolf bloke? 

Sirius had always been a hard person to read, someone he could never quite figure out. James was always the opposite, he supposed it was a result of their upbringing, Sirius was taught to only show cool neutrality whilst James was encouraged to talk about his feelings. From the outside Sirius and James were one in the same, but once you properly understood them they were almost opposites. In another universe perhaps they were the soulmates. They were soulmates in a way, Sirius displayed his love for James much differently than his love for Remus, mostly because their kind of brotherly love wasn’t hated by society. 

Remus didn’t want to admit how jealous he was of that. 

Remus knew Sirius but when he started to pull away from him, Remus realised something. Maybe he had never _known_ Sirius. Maybe Sirius had never _known_ him. And so when the door slammed for the last time, Remus was almost at peace. But the betrayal he felt for being thought of as a traitor still twisted in his stomach.

Trust was a strange and difficult thing for Remus. Because of his lycanthropy he had been taught to trust no one, but as a small eleven year old boy he had let in three people who quickly became his everything. 

Betrayal on the other hand was something he was familiar with. See, betrayal comes at the cost of trust. Although he had tried to limit the trust he handed out, that small amount cost him.

The first time he experienced betrayal was towards the end of his fifth year at Hogwarts: when his best friend had impulsively told another student how to get into the place Remus transformed during full moons. His best friend would have made him a murderer. He remembered feeling as if he could never trust again after that, but Sirius was someone special. He had this ability to make him feel special and worthy, despite all of the luggage he held. Which just made it hurt more when Sirius started suspecting him as the traitor. 

Sirius had the ability to brighten up his skies, to take something that reminded Remus of something negative and have it be the reason he shined. And now that he no longer wanted to do this Remus’s skies were a stormy grey. 

_'Cause I knew you_

_Steppin' on the last train_

_Marked me like a bloodstain, I_

**November 1981**

Remus was still in shock over what had happened. He didn't want to believe Sirius would do such a thing, that he would ever think to betray his friends. To murder them. He had always thought of Sirius as a loyal friend, very dog-like, someone who would go to the ends of the earth to protect and honour the people he loved; but he had clearly thought wrong. Remus didn't know what to think anymore. He didn't know how to feel. Should he be angry? Or sad? Or grieving? Or seeking revenge? Had his entire relationship with Sirius even been real? He was the only person left, he had no one to talk to about this. How could one person lose everything he loved in one single night? All he had left was a tiny baby who didn't understand what was lost and he didn't even know if he would be allowed to see him.

His thoughts were all blurry and everything was foggy. But even though everything was unclear, he knew he one thing: Sirius Black was a fucking bastard.

_I knew you_

_Tried to change the ending_

_Peter losing Wendy, I_

**1979**

“I'm fine Remus. It's fine. He hasn't been my brother since I left.” Sirius was clearly lying. News of his brother's death was circulating and Sirius was not handling it well. A sound came from their fireplace, Remus went to see who it was. 

“Remus, is he ok? I heard about Regulus and thought I should stop by.” James said, unusually serious. He looked like he had been crying, likely because his parents had just gotten sick in the middle of a war. 

“He seems to think he's absolutely fine. I don't know what to do, James. He wont talk to me anymore.” Remus was desperate, he didn't know how to help him. 

“It's not your fault. I'll go see if he'll talk to me.” James said, going down their narrow corridor into their bedroom.

Remus felt like him and Sirius were growing apart. They hardly ever slept in the same bed anymore, one of them were nearly always out on order missions. They haven't sat down for a meal together in weeks. Remus missed when they were at school. They had only graduated a year ago but it felt like they were already in their thirties. All of them had to grow up so fast, they had to pick sides as soon as they left school, it wasn't fair. He wished to go back in time.

He missed not having this heaviness on his shoulders, this impending doom constantly mocking him. 

_I knew you_

_Leavin' like a father_

_Running like water, I_

_And when you are young, they assume you know nothing_

**31st October 1987**

It simultaneously felt like it had happened yesterday and a lifetime ago, but now it was the sixth anniversary of James and Lily's betrayal. Their Death. Peter's death. Harry being orphaned. He would now be seven years old, attending Hogwarts in 4 short years. And Remus hadn't even had a proper conversation with him. 

He remembered the months before like they were yesterday, first him and Sirius broke up, then Marlene and Dorcas died and they couldn't even stay in the same room for their small funeral, Mary moved out the country, he saw his friends less and less, Lily and James went into hiding. He had felt so lonely. 

He could only imagine what life would've been like if things had gone differently. Maybe he would see the Potters every Sunday for lunch, maybe James and Lily would have more children for Harry to run around with. Maybe him and Sirius could have worked out. Despite everything, even now that he is older, his relationship with Sirius was so magical that he still spent a lot of time wondering about the what if’s, how it might have worked out if things had been different. He knows it isn't right to dwell on the past, but that's where everything he cares for lives. His life now is merely something he does, not something he experiences. He goes through the motions of every passing day, regretting being the only one left behind. Sirius always used to say he had no regrets, Remus was hoping that had changed. 

Half of him hoped for some evidence to come out and reveal Sirius was innocent, that they could reconcile and stitch their relationship back together. Maybe gain custody of Harry and raise him better than Lily's horrid sister and her joke of a husband ever could. The other half of him wished for Sirius to die a slow, painful death or to be living a miserable life full of emptiness and depression. He longed for the touch of his friends, to be cherished by someone again. He longed for Harry to know him as Uncle Moony. He longed to erase that horrible day from history.

Remus found himself wondering what he could have done to change things. If there was a way he could have sacrificed himself, he knew that if he had been the one to die he wouldn't be terribly missed, he had no child that would be orphaned or anything. But things were done, history had happened and there was nothing he could do about it. Harry would grow up without parents, Sirius would rot in a cell and Remus was doomed to an eternity of jumping from job to job in an effort to get by. Everyone that had been left behind by that godforsaken war would suffer. 

_But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss_

_I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs_

_The smell of smoke would hang around this long_

_'Cause I knew everything when I was young_

**June 1995**

A wisp of blue-white smoke in the shape of a familiar large dog appeared and spoke before he could even register what was going on. 

“Remus, I need to stay with you for a while. Dumbledore's orders. I’ll be there soon.” It said. 

Hearing Sirius’ voice after such a long time of only communicating through letters felt so good yet caused him so much pain at the same time. And now he was going to have to listen to it everyday, for who knows how long, with no way of getting out. Dumbledore's orders. 

Where was Sirius going to sleep? Remus Lived in a shabby old cottage in rural Yorkshire, with extremely short ceilings he was constantly banging his head on. There were only three rooms in his house - four if you counted the small concrete room he transformed in during the full moon. The kitchen cupboards were mostly empty, save from a loaf of almost stale bread and a jar of jam he had owned for a few months now. He should probably bin it. Sirius was going to be disgusted by how unclean he was. 

Why was he so worried about what Sirius thought of his house? He probably hadn’t slept in a bed for over fourteen years. Remus decided that he would have to give up his bed and sleep on the sofa, it was the fair thing to do. 

After trying his best to tidy up his house, even though he barely had any belongings, he heard a bark outside his door. He was here. 

Remus made his way towards the door. It felt like it took him a lifetime to get there. 

“Padfoot. Hello.” he greeted. The dog barked in response and trotted into his home, transforming back into a human as soon as the door was shut. 

“So what happened? Why did he send you here?” Remus asked. Was that too forward? 

“Harry. He- he saw Voldemort. He's back.” Sirius said, then launched into an angry rant about how Wormtail was there, and how Fudge didn't believe Harry, and how a poor boy was _killed._ Remus listened intently, paying attention to every last word. He was horrified. Harry was way too young to carry on going through all of this. 

They contacted the old order members as Dumbledore had instructed. Most replied right away, accepting the invitation. That night Remus was about to offer the bed to Sirius but he was already curled up on the couch as Padfoot. Remus smiled and went to bed. 

_I knew I'd curse you for the longest time_

_Chasin' shadows in the grocery line_

**6th June 1993**

He was everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. In every shop there was a wanted poster. In every crowd there was a mention of him. He was on every newspaper, wizarding or not. Sirius Blacks face was currently staring at him, unmoving, from the front cover of a display of muggle newspapers. The stillness of muggle photographs would never fail to disturb him. And the mad glimmer in the man's eyes wouldn't either. 

Remus Lupin was standing inside a corner shop in a small town a few miles from his home, he had come looking to restock his fridge when he had run into another reminder of the man he had once loved. 

“Creepy looking bloke, him. He looks like he's gone mad.” The middle aged man behind the counter commented, pulling him out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah. Wouldn't want to cross him.” Remus replied. It had been quite a while since he had last spoken to someone, he realised. His voice was all gravely and stale. He hoped he merely sounded like he had only just woken up and not that he’d been howling like mad less than 48 hours ago. 

“Is that all then?” the man asked, nodding towards Remus’ small pile of shopping in his hands. 

“Yes thank you.” he responded.

“That’ll be £8:95.” Shit. Remus only had £8 with him. Had bread prices gone up or something? 

“Oh. Uhh- take off the Twix. I've only got eight.” He was sad to be giving up the chocolate, but it was the least essential product. 

“Ok. There you go.” 

Remus handed him the money, picked up his items and left. He walked the short walk to an alley nearby and apperated back outside his small shabby cottage tucked away in the middle of nowhere. He made his way inside and began putting his shopping away when a loud crack pulled him out of his thoughts. Who could it be? A knock rang through his house and he hurried towards the door. He opened it to see Albus Dumbledore standing on his doorstep. He hadn't seen him since he was told about James and Lily. 

“Remus. Hello, it's been a while.” said Dumbledore. 

“It certainly has.” Remus responded. He knew Albus had probably come to talk about Sirius’ escape. He wasn't exactly pleased to see his old professor after the man fucked off for all those years and was now asking for another favour. “What do you want?” 

“I wanted to offer you the Defense Against the Dark Arts position at Hogwarts next term.” Well that was unexpected. 

“I’m sorry, what?” 

“I want you to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts in September.” he confirmed. Remus was confused. Dumbledore had underlying motivations for anything that he did, so what was it this time? Why him? 

“I will provide you with wolfsbane potion, then you can transform in your office safely.” he continued. Remus was torn. If he accepted the job he would have a stable income and for a year, plus free food and actually liveable accommodation. Not to mention the wolfsbane potion he had been trying to get his hands on since its invention. But it all came with the risk of his secret being found out by the entire wizarding world, then he would never be able to secure a job ever again. And he would teach Harry. 

“Yes. I'll take the job.”

_I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired_

_And you'd be standin' in my front porch light_

_And I knew you'd come back to me_

_You'd come back to me_

_And you'd come back to me_

_And you'd come back_

**July 1994**

Sirius used to feel like a distant phenomenon, a vague threat, not quite here but not quite gone at the same time. Now, after finding out what had truly happened that halloween night thirteen years ago, Remus felt a brand new kind of guilt settle into his stomach. How could he believe Sirius would do such a thing? Once he had worked out that Sirius was innocent, his first thought was that they could be together again. How fucking selfish. And now Peter had escaped and Sirius was on the run. All because he forgot to take that bloody potion. If he had remembered the wolfsbane he would've been able to control himself and that rat wouldn't have gotten away. It was all his fault that Sirius was who knows where trying not to be caught. 

Not to mention where Peter could be by now. 

Even still, Remus knew he was no longer safe to teach at Hogwarts. He had forgotten his potion, someone who would do that was not fit to be around thousands of children. Anyway, complaints would be pouring in now that Snape had let slip his condition to the Slytherin students. He would miss teaching Harry, but this was for the best.

Since he was no longer his teacher, he gave the Marauders Map back to Harry, it’s what James would’ve wanted after all. Remus just hoped Harry would be smart enough to not get caught doing things he wasn’t supposed to. 

_And when I felt like I was an old cardigan_

_Under someone's bed_

_You put me on and said I was your favourite_

**August 1995**

After the first Order meeting with Harry at the house, Remus was ready to curl up in bed and sleep for days, but Sirius would never let him have that. As soon as everyone else left he would have to listen to Sirius rant at him about his argument with Molly. Remus didn’t necessarily agree with her but he didn’t agree with Sirius either. Sirius was treating Harry like he was James, Molly was treating him like he was six. 

“I cannot believe her. What use is it to not tell him how he’s in danger?” Sirius said, angrily slamming his fist on the table. He had been taking every chance he could get to let out his anger at something lately, Sirius wasn’t the kind of person who could handle being locked away for such long periods of time. He needed walking, like a dog. 

“And she had the audacity to say Harry was too young to ask questions! At his age we were illegally becoming animagi!” he continued. Remus was beginning to tune him out, out of spite for not letting him go to sleep. 

“James would be bloody furious with her, not to mention Lily.” he was still going.

He wished he could say: ‘Padfoot, have you ever stopped to think that maybe you do treat Harry like he's James? That maybe you’re subconsciously trying to replace him? That Harry needs a godfather right now, not a friend?’ but he knew what Sirius would do: he would deny it, get defensive and run off, slamming the door on the way out. And Remus was just too fucking tired to deal with this. So he sat and he listened, just like he always does. 

Remus had been thinking about their relationship a lot lately. It was easier to forget about their past when Sirius felt so far away but now they were in close proximity everyday, it felt possible to rekindle their old flame. When they first started being physically around each other again, about two months prior, Remus was unsure they would ever be like they used to be. Now Remus had accepted that because he knew, even if he wanted to, Sirius would never be himself again. And that was okay. Thirteen years being wrongly imprisoned isn't going to have no impact. 

But even if things could never be as they were, they could create something new, something better even. 

In a sudden motion, a split second, as if he knew what Remus was thinking, Sirius had placed his lips on his. Just like he had the first time over twenty years ago. But there was one thing different this time: Sirius didn't run. Instead he deepened the kiss slowly, only stopping when they got tired.

And as they stood in the kitchen of Sirius’ childhood home with their foreheads pressed together, Sirius whispered to him: “I've missed you Moony. I've missed us.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again, thank you so much for reading this I hope you liked it. If you need me to post a version in chronological order, just ask. I already have one from when I was editing to make sure it was consistent.  
> If you have any suggestions for other fics I could write leave them in the comments, I'd love to do another one like this with a different song or ship. Also please let me know if there's any spelling or grammar mistakes.


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